Archive for September, 2008

Day 32- Go look up John Mulaney’s stand up comedy. It’s very very good.

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Has anyone seen the ad campaign for the new Disney flick, “Beverly Hills Chihuahua?” I have seen multiple different commercials and one-sheets and not a single one says ANYTHING about the plot. I literally have NO idea what this movie is about. I dont think Disney wants anyone to know. I think they are relying on the idea that chihuahuas are cute and people like Beverly Hills to sell this movie. The one problem is…they’re 10 years too late! The Taco Bell chihuahua phenomenon was popular in 1998! Are they really expecting audiences to pay $10 just to see some cute chihuahuas walk around Beverly Hills? Do these chihuahuas even talk? Do you know how long it is taking me to spell the word “chihuahuas” every time I type it!

Who knows–this movie may surprise me and do really well. And if it does…well America is dumber than I thought.

Speaking of movies that surprised everyone and did well, this weekend, the number 4 movie in America that made $6.51 million was “Fireproof.” Have you heard of it? I have. You know who stars in it? Take a wild guess—nope its not Carrot Top. Nope—not Fred Savage, but you’re getting closer. Nope! Not Leo Dicaprio, but you’re soooo close! IT’S KIRK CAMERON! FROM GROWING PAINS!

Let me preface the following pieces of information by saying—I LOVE GROWING PAINS. I watched it every day as a kid, my sister and I memorized the theme song and used to perform it acapella style–harmonies and all. I also think Alan Thicke is a great dad and that some of Leo’s and Hilary Swank’s best work appeared on this show.

Anyway-in Fireproof, Kirk plays a fireman who’s having marital problems, but with Jesus Christ’s help, he gets back on track. In case you didnt know, Kirk is now a Christian Fundamentalist evangelist and currently a partner in the evangelical Christian ministry The Way of the Master. I havent seen him much in anything lately except for late night Christian television where he goes up to people on the street and asks them to accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior.


2 Interesting facts about Kirk Cameron:
1. He has 10 kids (6 natural and 4 adopted). with his wife Chelsea Noble (who played his girlfriend Kate on Growing Pains and in “You Lucky Dog”).
2. There is a kissing scene in his new movie, but because he had “made a commitment not to kiss any other woman” they brought his wife Chelsea to the set. And “had her wear the dress my character’s wife wore. They shot the scene in silhouette, so when I kiss my wife, I’m actually kissing my wife and honoring our marriage.”

Wow. Kirk is really intense. But why is it ok to act like someone else is your wife, but its not ok to kiss them? Whatever–let him do what he wants. Hey–if Brad Pitt hadnt kissed Angelina Jolie for Mr and Mrs Smith, maybe Brennifer Anistpitt would still be a couple today…

It’s just interesting that after 3 Christian themed action movies (“Left Behind” and its sequels) suddenly this movie heats up (ba dump che!) and actually makes money at the box office.

I guess one should never underestimate the Christian fan base that made The Passion of the Christ $300 million, The Chronicles of Narnia- $300 million and every Tyler Perry movie a hit.

In conclusion–I guess when you have Jesus on your side, anything is possible! And in double conclusion– Kirk really “showed AMERICA his smile again.”

Until Tomorrow–

Day 31- I Cant Wait for Anne Hathaway to get pregnant, so the headline of all the tabloid papers will say "Anne Hath-a-baby!"

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I just saw a trailer for the new Adam Sandler movie called, “Bedtime Stories.” During the trailer, interspersed with scenes from the movie, the voice-over (RIP Don LaFontaine) read, “What if you told a story…and the next day it came to life!” Now obviously this is the plot of this movie, yet another Adam Sandler high concept movie. That’s basically how the writers (Matt Lopez and Sandler buddy Tim Herlihy(as in the Herlihy boys)) sold this movie.

For those of you who dont know, a high concept movie is a movie based around a very simple premise that can reach a wide audience. Think most commercial films. Non-high concept movies are typically character driven indies with artistic integrity.

This got me to thinking, there are a lot of high concept movies that were executed very well, and some that were executed very poorly. Here are a couple of examples, and the “pitches” of the movies to the studios.

1. Liar Liar:
Writer: Imagine a world where a LAWYER couldnt lie for a WHOLE DAY! The lawyer…JIM CARREY!
Exec: Lets make a picture! (This exec happens to be from 1930).

I loved Liar Liar (where the message was, “dont lie”). It isnt necessarily the greatest concept, but it didnt matter because in 1997, Jim Carrey was a god. And rightfully so. I dont think anyone else could have done as good of a job as he did, combining the hilarious physical comedy, with the snappy one-liners and get ready for it….heart. Cary Elwes was also great as Maura Tierney’s dorky ass suitor (The Claw!), and Jessica Tilly (apparently the best celebrity poker player out there) was fantastically icy cold as the bitchy whore slut. This movie is quoteable, memorable, and certainly stands to test of time.

PROOF: Last year I was hanging out at AEPi in my friend Stephen Golding’s room with like 10 other people. We were all sitting around discussing what movie we should watch. We had like 15 choices. If I remember correctly, among the choices were–Wayne’s World, The Big Lebowski, Orange County, Ace Ventura, Austin Powers, Men in Black, Liar Liar etc. It took us literally like 25 minutes, but finally we all voted, and it was down to Orange County and Wayne’s World. We all voted again and still arrived at a stalemate. Suddenly, someone (maybe T-BAUM’S World?) said, “hey guys–lets just watch Liar Liar.” Unanimously it was accepted and put into the DVD player. So the lesson is: Liar Liar–always a good choice.

ps. I wouldnt necessarily say this movie is timeless–now you wouldnt hear any kid say, “I wanna be Jose Conseco!” Unless they want to actually grow up and take illegal growth hormones and then rat out all of their friends who took them too, and bring down Major League Baseball and do it all to make some money cause you were stupid and lost all of yours.

2. Meet the Parents:
Writer: You all have had awkward encounters when you met your girlfriend’s parents…am I right? Sure I am! Well this movie is just that! The hero has one weekend to impress his girlfriend’s parents, and instead of winning them over, he just gets into one hilarious embarrassing situation after another! And to make it even more painful for the guy, imagine if the girlfriend’s dad was ROBERT DeNiro!
Exec: I like it. It’s relateable. DeNiro was funny in Analyze This. Let’s make a picture!

I LURVE “Meet the Parents.” I remember seeing this movie when I was in 7th grade and never laughing harder. And it holds up! I was watching it on TV yesterday and it was still as hilarious as ever. This is one movie that relies on each situation getting progressively worse and hilarious and it does! (unlike Along Came Polly). And the comedy doesnt always come from Ben Stiller screwing up. The schtick with the airline lady trying to book him a seat is damn funny. Anyway-Owen Wilson is gold and this movie is awesome.

On a side note, I heard Charlize Theron tried out for the part of the girlfriend, but was rejected on the grounds that she “wasnt pretty enough.” Interesting how the world works out. Charlize–here’s your Oscar. Teri Polo (girlfriend) here’s your….Meet the Fockers.

3. Jumper:
Writer: Imagine if one guy could just jump and get to anywhere in the world!
Exec: I like it. But does it have a plot?
Writer: It doesnt need one! We’ll get Samuel L. Jackson!
Exec: Let’s make a picture!

I hated Jumper. Hated it hated it hated it. I’ve written about it before, so I will not go into detail now. (If you are interested, look it up. The post has a sexy picture of Rachel Bilson on it!)This movie had a wicked cool concept and completely went nowhere with it. And anything with Hayden Christenssen is bad.

4. Snakes on a Plane:
Writer: It’s Snakes on a Plane.
Exec: Fair enough. But who will want to do that?
Writer: Samuel L. Jackson
Exec: Fine. Do it.

I saw Snakes on a Plane opening night and it was great fun. Not very scary, very very funny, and very very bad. But it knew it was bad, so it was ok. This movie had everything you wanted it to have. It even did re shoots to add more blood and more boobs! So I really cant complain.

Some of my favorite lines:
Neville Flynn: Everybody listen! We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!
Man Bitten on Penis: Fucking snake! Get off my dick!

5. Independence Day
Writer: Aliens attack us. Shit goes down.
Exec: Nice. I smell a blockbuster. Get me Jeff Goldblum and you got yourself a picture!

I have nothing bad to say about Independence Day. Any blockbuster movie that features 2 religious Jews as leads that help save the planet has got my vote!

6. Home Alone
Writer: A kid is stuck home alone and sets booby traps for funny robbers
Exec: How cute is this kid?
Writer: Like REALLY cute. Its the kid from “Uncle Buck!”
Exec: I fucking love that kid!
Writer: Me too!
Exec: The best thing about him, is I figure in 10 years he wont be fucked up at all!
Writer: That child actor will turn out comepletely normal!
Exec: We’ll release around Christmas! Lets make this movie!

I Love Home Alone. I love Home Alone 2. After I saw those movies I kept trying to create pranks like that at home, but one of them stained our carpet and got my mom really pissed at me and the other one was just getting a paper bag to fall on the head of anyone who entered my room. It was funny the first time. Any readers out there do funny pranks? LET ME KNOW!

Oh–and in terms of this movie being successfully executed–it was the highest grossing live action comedy of all time until Meet the Fockers came out. Now its the second. So I’d say it was pretty successful.

7. The Animal
Rob Schneider: So get this guys! Imagine if I started acting like an animal! Like peeing on mailboxes and humping people’s legs!
Adam Sandler: That sounds really stupid.
Rob: C’mon man! I really need to do a movie! I’m like your best friend!
Adam: I know man, but you’re not funny.
Rob: C’mon Adam pleeeeease!
Adam: I dunno—
Rob: PLEEEASE! If you do this for me, I promise I’ll never ask you to bank roll that movie I have about me pretending to be a girl!
Adam: Fine. I’ll let you do this ONE movie! But there’s no way in hell I am giving you money to make “The Hot Chick.”

8. The Hot Chick
Rob: PLEEEEEEASSSE!
Adam: No man! I said no! I gave you The Animal and no one liked it! Please let it go!
Rob: But Adam, you’re my best friend!
Adam: I said no!
Rob: C’mon! If you let me do this I’ll only do supporting roles in your movies from now on!
Adam: You realize this movie will make you the laughing stock of Hollywood. You will literally get shit on.
Rob: No I wont! This movie is hilarious!
Adam: Fine. Whatever. Make your stupid movie.
Rob: I wont let you down!

Both of these movies sucked. The lead actress in The Animal was Colleen Haskell, a contestant on Survivor, and even though The Hot Chick was co-written and directed by a guy named Tom Brady, this movie was not at all Super Bowl material.
I will say that I liked Norm McDonald’s cameo in “The Animal” though. As much as he asks you to hate him, Norm McDonald is a funny mother fucker. Watch him at the Bob Saget Roast if you dont believe me!

Until Tomorrow–

PS. You ever notice how after you eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, you end up hungrier than you were before? The only good part about them, is if you’re lucky, it makes your yabba dabba doo colorful!

pps. As if I couldnt get any more like Shia LeBeouf, I’m getting more like Shia LeBeouf! Shia LeBeouf is playing a character named ETHAN in his new movie EAGLE EYE! Take that disbelievers!

Day 30- For Cock’s Sake It’s A Blogpost Charlie Brown!

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Today I will discuss stupid movies that had the potential to be good, and but took themselves way too seriously and by doing so, sucked.

1. Point Break- A couple things to take into account. 1. This movie was released in 1991, when Patrick Swayze wasnt a punchline. 2. This movie was released in 1991, when Keanu Reeves became an automoton and decided to shy away from his awesome stoner head performances in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” and “Parenthood.” 3. Gary Busey is in this movie.

Point Break is about an FBI agent named “Johnny Utah,” (already a name you cant take seriously) played by Keanu Reeves (already an actor you cant take seriously) who infiltrates a group a surfers, lead by the Swayze, who surf and skydive almost all year round, except for the month or so when they rob banks dressed up as Ex-Presidents, to make enough money, so they can surf and skydive. Interesting plot. Lots of cool action sequences–after all, people/Swayze surfing, robbing banks and sky diving are all fun to watch. Yet after the first hour and a half of fun stuff (ie. Gary Busey wearing Hawaiin shirts, Keanu learning to surf from a butch chick who I cant possibly find attractive, Patrick Swayze shirtless), it turns REALLY serious. Keanu busts a bank robbery, people in the surf crew get shot and die, innocent civilians get shot and die, Gary Busey gets shot and dies, (he even has a last word moment!) girlfriend is taken hostage, and shit just goes DOWN. It stops being fun, it starts just making you feel uncomfortable, and every scene towards the end has lots and lots of rain. Who wants to watch rain for 30 minutes! Finally, the last lines of the movie, as Keanu watches murderer Patrick Swayze surf into a hurricane, letting him get away, he turns to the water and says, “Vaya con Dios, Brah.” WTF! Keanu speaking Spanish and saying Brah? This movie is nuts. I rest my case.

2. I Know Who Killed Me- For better or worse (CORY would say for worse), Lindsay Lohan is a punchline. Right after she is arrested for so much coke, even Scarface would say, “thats a lot of coke!” she does this movie, as a serious actress. In the movie, she plays a killer/stripper, and does her first real sex scene. No one wants to see someone that coked up and gross have sex; (although I guess the 300,000 youtube hits on that video beg to differ. How do I know it has 300,00 hits? Someone told me! Mind your damn business!) Also-part of the movie is watching Lindsay get tortured by a sadistic serial killer! Who wants to see Halley Parker and Annie James (Parent Trap reference) get cut open? The fact that this movie was treated as a serious character-driven psycho thriller while it’s just a horrific, poorly acted piece of tortue-porn just ruins it that much more. It also won 8 Razzies. So there.

3. Hulk (The Ang Lee version)- The Hulk is not an interesting character. The Hulk is a giant green smashing machine that fucks shit up. Bruce Banner is just depressed that he cant have sex with his girlfriend and he’s always running from people who want to hurt him. Bruce Banner is not fun to watch. The Hulk is. Lou Ferrigno is awesome. Ang Lee picked Eric Bana, a great actor, to try and act through all of the complicated sides of Bruce, but he’s not that complicated. He’s not Batman, and this isnt The Dark Knight. When a movie tries to find the real “inner conflict” in a character that doesnt have a strong one, it inevitably will not be successful. Therefore, I’m sorry Ang, but this movie was not very good. The newer Hulk focused a lot more on the action, and because of this, was a lot better.

4. Daredevil- I cant take Ben Affleck seriously. Especially when he “pretends” to be blind.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3- These movies WAAAY thought that people actually cared about the pirate world. The reason the first movie was successful was 1- because Johnny Depp was so damn weird and funny and interesting. 2- Because women love Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. 3- Because Keira Knightley is hot. 4. Because the action was very fun and entertaining. 5- because Pirates are cool.

Thats it. No one cared about the secrets of “Davey Jones’ locker” or the curses of squid faces, or Asian pirate kings in the East or the Commodore. The movie got so wrapped up in its own mythology that it stopped being interesting, started getting confusing, and just lost everyone. Pirates of the Caribbean 1 was so good because it was so silly and unique and fun. It was also very tongue and cheek. The next 2 became humongous spectacles without the charm of the first one. And thats that.

6. Click- This movie started out really silly and decent, filled with sight gags, funny situations and Christopher Walken. Then about half way through it started to get really sad. Like really sad. Like it almost made me cry sad. Suddenly, a movie about a magic remote control became a movie about appreciating family and not working too hard, and making sure that you give Kate Beckinsale enough loving. Like anyone couldnt find the time in their busy day to bed bump the hottest vampire since Antonio Banderas in “Interview with a Vampire.” So, Adam Sandler–stick to silly stuff that doesnt take itself too seriously, like “You Dont Mess with the Zohan.” Its much more your style.

7. Star Wars Prequel Trilogy- I have a whole other entry post for this, so stay tuned.

8. Battlefield Earth- This film was the depiction of the first half of one of L. Ron Hubbard’s Sci Fi novels which have become the “bibles” of the “religion” of Scientology. This had long been a pet project of noted Scientologist and 70s film actor John Travolta, and John even invested some of his own money into the film. Because John Travolta thinks Scientology, and therefore, all the stuff in this movie is real, when he says shit like, “I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango” or While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies” you have to laugh. Also, notice the giant hands!

Then you think, “Wow, this guy’s actually crazy,” then you think, “Wow, everyone who is a Scientologist is crazy.” And then you think, Wow, I am really hungry. I ate a sandwich a couple hours ago, but I havent eaten anything since and it just crept up on me how hungry I am. I wonder if I have any of that leftover moo goo gai pan left over from that party last night? No, I finished it this morning. Dammit. Lets see, I could eat a Nature Valley bar, but those just suck up all the saliva I have in my oral glands and make me feel like I have cotton mouth. I should just have a bowl of cereal. SHIT! I’m out of milk! I should have picked some up at the market when I went a couple days ago. I am such an IDIOT! Oh well, I guess I’m going to have to jerk it and call it a day.

NEW TOPIC: “WHAT HAPPENED TO…”

This week: Tom Everett Scott. What happened to that guy? He was HANDPICKED by Tom Hanks to be the next….Tom Hanks, and he just completely squandered his career. He was SHADES-charming, handsome, and a pretty solid actor. Then after one decent movie (One True Thing) and a bunch of other shitty stuff starring TV actors (Dead Man on Campus (Mark Paul Gosselaar), The Love Letter (Tom Selleck)) he just went straight to TV and starred in failed shows like “The $treet,” “Philly,” and “Do Over.” Do you remember these shows? Neither do I. Now hes still doing TV, but also a little theatre. I saw him a couple years ago in an LA production of the show “Dead End” which coincidentally also starred my cool cousin Ben Platt. I liked him in that show, so hopefully he’ll have a solid theatre career he can always fall back on.

Until Tomorrow-

PS. A lot of what was discussed in this blog was brought up in a conversation between me and Daniel “I’m really not so glad that Burn After Reading did commercially well because I like to feel that I am one of the only ones who REALLY appreciates the Coen Brothers. I’ve Seen the Hudsucker Proxy” Arkin

Day 29- I read Christopher Columbus’ journal yesterday and he writes about having to clean the POOP DECK! He discovered America AND hes funny!

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The plot of Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie (as it is written on imdb) is this:

The legendary Power Rangers must stop the evil space pirate Divatox from releasing the powerful Maligore from his volcanic imprisonment on the island of Muranthias, where only the kindly wizard Lerigot has the key to release him. The hope of victory lies in the Ranger’s incredible new Turbo powers and powerful Turbo Zords.

So that’s funny by itself. But the other half of the plot is that there is this kid who discovers the Power Rangers secret identities and so, they have no choice but to let him become a Power Ranger. When I first heard about this premise as a child I was thrilled and envious. Why couldnt I too become a Power Ranger? This lead to more questions:

When we played power rangers, why did I have to always play Billy? Is it because I wore glasses? Yes. Why couldnt we change our message machine at home from a “beep” to Tommy’s Dragonzord call (Dooo…do do do….do do doooo!)? And most importantly, why couldnt my dad be Mr. Saban, the man in charge of bringing the Power Rangers to America. My friend knew the son of Mr. Saban (the kid’s name is Ness) and said he had every single Power Ranger toy that existed. Shangri-La.

But back to the original point: now, after talking about it with my good math loving, freckly friend Jeff Hoffman, I realize that the Power Rangers were stupid in making a kid a Power Ranger? This kid was 12! He had no martial arts experience, no real intelligence! He hadn’t been “chosen” by Zordon. Little fucker essentially black-mailed the Rangers. Which leads me to this thought: Shouldnt the Rangers have just simply taken care of it. Who would suspect that the peace loving, crime fighting, teenage heroes would off a young kid who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? No one. They should have invited him to a “Rangers only” party, and then, while they were showing him the hand sequences for how to call their zords, they could have gotten the white tiger zord to rip this kid’s fucking head off! Little fucker should have kept his mouth shut and the Rangers shouldnt have bought into his demands. Anyway, if I were a Ranger thats what I would have done. I guess that’s why I’m not a ranger.

Continuing with the “kids” theme I feel like someone needs to say this: Poor Spencer Breslin.
Kid had a promising young career appearing opposite Bruce Willis in “The Kid,” taking the Disney channel by storm, appearing in such memorable original movies as “The Ultimate Christmas Present,” and “You Wish.” He was in “The Santa Clause 2,” “Raising Helen” and more Disney stuff. People kinda knew who he was, but he was getting more famous, and for a fat kid with buck teeth, he was sure raking in the benjamins. He pretty much had it made. Then that cunt of a sister of his comes along and RUINS EVERYTHING.

Fucking Abigail Breslin. She has like 4 lines in one movie, “Signs,” does a little more TV and suddenly gets an Oscar nomination for “Little Miss Sunshine” at like 10 years old! Now she’s taking all the movies Dakota Fanning doesnt want to do because she isnt getting raped in them (As far as I can tell, no one got raped in “Nim’s Island”), and even headlining them. In “Kit Kitteridge: An American Girl” all around LA were posters of her face with some dog and sometimes, binoculars. She is also getting paid like $2 million a picture.

I wonder who the favorite child in that family is now? If I were Spencer I would be royally POed (which stands for pissed off). I work so hard for like 6 fucking years, toiling in Disney shit, not being able to lose weight because I have to be “the sympathetically chubby kid” in everything. Finally my career may take off because I am getting older and what happens? My bitch ass cum dumpster of a sister does one indie film where she does a silly dance and gets invited to the fucking Oscars! It’s just not right. Now I am at that awkward stage in puberty where I cant get work because I am not a teenager, but I’m not a kid and Abitchgail is raking in the dough starring in movies alongside Catherine Zeta Jones and Ryan Reynolds. My next movie is called “Harold” and I play a bald kid. I’ve already done like 6 fucking movies with Tim Allen! Is there no justice in this world? I guess not Spencer, I guess not. For Spence’s sake, all we can do is hope that Ms. Breslin gets knocked up sometime soon and suddenly doesnt seem so cute anymore. I’m looking at you Wild Willis.

Until Tomorrow–

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