Archive for November, 2008

Day 36- What am I giving thanks for? Leslie Nielsen. Why not?

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I have a theory. Every movie that starts with “MEET” is inevitably a shitty movie. There is one exception: Meet the Parents. Every other one I can think of is just really really bad. What makes these movies so bad? Well, a lot of them are based around stupid characters with no plot. It also says, since “Meet the ___” tells you nothing about the movie, that the producers dont even know what the movie is about, or that they didnt care enough to think of a real title. So here is my list that proves the rule:

  1. Meet the Spartans
  2. Meet Dave
  3. Meet the Robinsons
  4. Meet the Deedles
  5. Meet the Browns
  6. Meet Joe Black
  7. Meet Wally Sparks
  8. Meet the Fockers
  9. Meet Bill

All of these movies are pretty darn shitty. Meet the Spartans was obviously just that shitty parody movie. Meet Dave is the Eddie Murphy movie this summer that bombed that had Eddie Murphy play different Eddie Murphys (I didnt know he could do that?!). It was originally called, “Starship Dave” but after The Adventures of Pluto Nash (the biggest box office flop of all time), I think producers wanted to never put “space” and “Eddie Murphy” together. Meet the Robinsons was that stupid Disney animated movie.

TANGENT: I dont think Disney’s made a good animated movie since Tarzan. After Tarzan we got Lilo and Stitch (Ohalo means “go fuck yourself”), Treasure Planet (Martin Short voices ZANY robot! Where do I wait in line??) , Brother Bear (no wonder Joaquin Phoenix retired from acting. That movie was as forgettable as my 2nd Baby Mama, whose name I cant remember right now. And I should cuz I write her a fucking check every month! Word to the wise, never drink heavily and go to Chuck E. Cheese. Two many babes. Too strong beer goggles), Home on the Range (More like Home on my nutsack), Chicken Little (The sky is falling! More like my brain is falling…..asleep. Get it? Cuz the movie was boring.) Meet the Robinsons (If the Robinsons in question were Craig Robinson’s family (Craig Robinson plays Darryl on the Office and was easily the best part of “Zach and Miri make a Porno.” Oh and I brought him to Wash U last year and he is hilarious and quite an awesome dude.) THEN AND ONLY THEN would I go see that movie) and Bolt (Bolt may be ok, but thats only because Pixar head John Lasseter was an executive producer and made sure that it was at least watchable.) Is there a single good movie in this group? No. Not a single one.

Disney artists should truly be embarrassed by the films they’ve produced this decade. Comparing them to PIXAR is like comparing England to America. England was balling for many centuries, dominating the world like no body’s business. They had the strongest Navy and Army and were the premiere leaders in industrialization. Then some Englishmen moved to America under English jurisdiction. Their products were produced independently, but helped distributed around the world by the Mother Country, who also took much of their profits. Then, they became independent (although Pixar films are still marketed and distributed by Disney) and easily surpassed England to be the most balling country in the world. THEY became the leaders of the free world, balling and shot calling, even bailing Britain out in WWII when it was on the cusp of being destroyed (just like Pixar movies were basically bailing out Disney, giving it money makers and merchandise when all Disney had were those Pirate movies). Like that analogy? Can you think of a better one? COMMENT!

BACK TO REALITY: The only good thing Meet the Deedles brought to this world was Paul Walker, and thats being charitable. Paul Walker’s a shitty actor, but he is nice to look at. Meet The Blacks starred retired Laker forward, and idiot dumb enough to cheat on ex-wife Vanessa Williams, Rick Fox, which automatically means it wasnt good, Meet Joe Black had a hot Brad Pitt and an even hotter Anthony Hopkins, but Claire Forlani just doesnt do it for me. I wont give Rodney Dangerfield any respect for Meet Wally Sparks, and Meet the Fockers didnt measure up to its predecessor (the truth is I just didnt think the stakes were high enough in that movie). There’s a reason why you never heard of “Meet Bill” even though it starred Aaron “Twoface” Eckhart, Jessica Alba, Elizabeth Banks and Timothy Olymphant. It was bad.

Anyway, that’s the proof. Movies that start with “Meet” are shitty. So for gosh sakes, just choose another title!!!

In other news, on imdb it says that Zach Braff just went on a trip to Israel and loved it so much and felt such a communal feeling that he is going to write a movie about an American Jew who visits Israel. Right on Zach! I used to love you, then I heard you were a douchebag, then I got bored with you, but now I like you again. Especially because this January, I’M Going to Israel for 6 months! So represent.

Until Tomorrow–

Day 35- How can Cedric Diggory be in a new movie?!

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Life’s been fairly hectic recently, what with Bat Boy: The Musical, Aziz Ansari coming to Wash U and a special enhanced KARL Show coming up, so again I apologize for not writing as much as I should. Lets jump right in:

I am now going to make a list of shows/movies you should start watching NOW:

1. Go see Role Models. It has Stifler playing Stifler, Paul Rudd playing himself, but wonderfully misanthropic (the adjective I’ve read in every single review of the film), and a hilarious 10 year old Black kid who I remember being hilarious on the short lived but still funny “The Tracy Morgan Show.” This movie has some of the most hilarious dialogue since “40 yr old Virgin” and a heartwarming ending. Plus, you gotta love anything David Wain does.

2. Sunday Night Comedy on HBO
Sunday nights has turned into my favorite night of TV (only surpassing Thursdays because I dont watch TV any other night).
Entourage has been a little uneven, but at least its entertaining. I love it bcecause its about Hollywood, and well if you havent guessed it already, I am very into Hollywood. One thing about the show that is so unrealistic to me, is that Johnny Drama always dresses really stupidly, and then hits on girls with such golden lines as, “hey beautiful” and gets MAD PISSED when they dont respond. Johnny should know that just saying “hey beautiful” to a hot girl does not magically make them want to fuck you.
Summer Heights High is my new favorite comedy on TV. It is a mockumentary style show about an Australian Public School and it stars one guy who plays 3 characters: A gay/delusional Drama teacher (Reminiscent of Corky St. Clair), A 13 year old Bad Boy “islander” who is the most difficult student of all time, and a 15 year old Rich Bitch from a Private school who is doing a swap program with Summer Heights High. The actor/writer who plays all of these characters, Chris Lilley, is briliant and observent and hilarious. START WATCHING THIS SHOW!
The Life and Times of Tim is a show I had very low expectations for. I saw the internet shorts and I was not impressed, but this show consistently has me on the floor laughing. It is awkward and smart and the voices are just so perfectly expressive. The weird animation with lopsided eyes and minimal body movement reminds me of “Home Movies” or “Dr. Katz” but its better. The show in a nutshell is about this normal/mediocre guy named Tim who always means well but ends up doing stupid/offensive shit (to try and please other people) and then has to explain himself to his girlfriend or boss. Worth your time.

30 Rock– Always just very very very clever. I am not a huge fan of guest stars (they used Oprah cleverly, but why should I care about Jennifer Aniston?), and the plots for the most part this season have not been wonderful, but the dialogue is so chocked full of clever lines (and if its one thing I value in comedy, its cleverness) that I could watch it every day. Lines like “Never follow a hippie to a second location” and “Liz: Why are you wearing a tux? Jack: It’s after 6 o’clock Lemon. What am I, a farmer? make 30Rock a very valued show.

The Lakers-Almost every game (DAMN YOU DETROIT!) has been poetic basketball. I just wish it were April already!

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