Hello Readers,
Havent seen you guys in a while. Where’ve you been? Vacationing? Where? In Bermuda?! With Who!? GARY!! That sonofabitch! He told me he was with Betsy and the girls in Cape Canaveral! And all this time he was-WELL, he’ll be hearing from me soon.

Anyway–a lot to cover this day.
First, I dont have a twitter. I’m not planning on getting one any time soon. Why? Cuz I think they’re mostly stupid. I also would rather save my savory comic morsels for this blog. Twitters are good for 2 people: hilarious comedians and NBA players. I dont really follow anyone’s twitter as even celebrities’ are typically stupid but here are the ones that I do like

1. http://twitter.com/robhuebel
Thats one of the guys from Human Giant. He doesnt write shit about where hes performing. He also doesnt mostly write about shit hes doing. What he DOES write is hilarious little tidbits. For example:
—The Myrtle Beach airport bar is a great place to meet single, pregnant moms drinking…and try to get them double-pregnant.
—I am not the star of HBO’s new show, “Hung”. But my mom says I could have been.

2. http://hoopshype.com/twitter.html
This site lists all the twitter action from NBA players. These guys are the vainest silliest, and sometimes just dumbest people in the world, but I love it. Here are some golden ones from today:
Tyrus Thomas: If you a dude and you’re “too real” for BLACKsummer’s night, chances are you’re not REAL
Drew Gooden: At Walgreens and never knew they had restrooms??? It’s pretty cool in here! Lol!
(ps. check out Gooden’s back head soul patch….)
Shawn Marion: Wow jus caught last half of glory mathew broderick did a great job whatever happened to him

3. Bill Simmons–http://twitter.com/SportsGuy33
If you love Bill Simmons…

Next item of business. I was at the MJ Memorial. Big Ups to J-wizzle dizzle and her momizzle whos friendizzle got us the hookup for floor seats.

What a show. Anyone who’s anyone, or has ever been anyone was there. I made a list of the celebrities I sighted personally (that is, people who I saw in the crowd):
1. Larry King with his hot ass wife
2. Shawn Wayans. Where was Marlon? Probably sucking it up in G.I. Joe: The Rise of My Boner When I see Sienna Miller
3. Mini-Me (Verne Troyer) riding….a motorized SCOOTER! Down the aisles. Not only is it funny to see a midget in a scooter! But it was MINI ME! Suffice it to say, it brought some much needed levity.
4. Steve Urkel–Who actually looked more like Stefan Urquelle, if you get that Family Matters reference.
5. Fonzworth Bentley sans Diddy and his umbrella
6. Lou Ferrigno. Dude’s still got it.
7 (and my personal favorite). THE HUGE TALL BLACK SCARY PRISONER FROM THE DARK KNIGHT! The guy on the prison boat who says my favorite line, “I’m gonna do what ya’ll shoulda did, ten minutes ago.”

BTW–In the shooting script of the movie the line is, “I’m going to do what you all should have done ten minutes ago.” So props to Chris Nolan for letting his actors take some liberties with his language.

I met this huge tall scary man (Tommy “Tiny” Lister–The “Tiny” for obvious oxymoronish reasons) and he is in fact tall and scary in person. He even has a glass eye! But he was totally nice and let me take a picture with him while shaking his humongous elephant hand.

I was doing some research on imdb and this guy is in an upcoming movie called “Lean Like A Cholo: The Movie” where the description says: A comedy about a bunch of homie Cholos, trying to do the right thing, the right way for the right reasons, but always get it wrong.

I think this movie is replacing James Cameron’s Avatar as the most anticipated movie of the year for me.

8. Kobe Bryant: A god among men.
9. Billy Bush and Nancy O’Dell, the hosts of Access Hollywood- They had a little trouble finding their seats and they got there a bit late. I guess they just didnt have the necessary…ACCESS.
10. The HOST OF SUPERMARKET SWEEP! He was sitting right in front of me! Wow. How did he get floor seats I wonder. I used to love that show, and seeing him in person really brought me back to a time where TV used to have game shows where people ran around supermarkets grabbing as much expensive food and giant inflatable hams as they could.

Those were the celebrity highlights. As for the ceremony itself, it was really powerful. A lot of people were in tears. I myself dont get too emotional about celebrities dying, simply because I dont know them personally. But when MJ’s daughter spoke, unnecessarily in my opinion (Janet was supposed to talk and instead she passes the mike to her 10 year old niece! To speak to an arena of over 18,000 people!), it really did remind me that Michael Jackson wasnt just MICHAEL JACKSON. He was a dad. And thats something to be sad about.

The speakers were great, Queen Latifah’s reading of Maya Angelou’s poem was beautiful, as was Smokey Robinson’s reminiscing over 11 year old MJ. Martin Luther King Jr’s kids also spoke eloquently about how Michael called their mother on her death bed and told her he was praying for her (now if the kids could only stop fighting over money!). Al Sharpton was a little over the top for me. As Seth Meyers wrote in his twitter: Al Sharpton to MJ’s kids:”Your daddy wasn’t strange!” Al Sharpton to Peanut Butter:”You are not made of butter and peanuts!” Jennifer Hudson clearly had the best, most rousing performance, and as a sidenote–

Even after Dreamgirls, I was not sold on her. Obviously she sang “And I am Telling You” well, but what else could she do? Well–after hearing her sing the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl, some song at the Grammys, and now “Will You Be There” at this event IM SOLD. She has an UN-BELIEVABLE voice. Aretha-ish. I’m not kidding. When its on SHE BRINGS IT.

Anyway–it was a lavish but relatively gentle and kind memorial befitting the most controversial, exciting, and arguably most talented and influential entertainer of our time. He lived only 50 years, but undoubtedly he will be globally remembered forever.*

Until Tomorrow–

*Unless aliens attack the planet and destroy every book, every magazine, every form of print ever existing ever, the internet, film and television archives, and every trace of human invention and then wipe out our brains and replace our memories with thoughts solely of the “leader” and our next two tasks.