Archive for September, 2010

Day 55-I get bored reading the title: “The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’hoole”

2

1- Here’s an excerpt from an interview with Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss:

EW: Are you a history buff?
Elisabeth Moss: No, not at all. I still don’t know anything about the ’60s, only what [Peggy] has experienced and what I’ve seen on the show. But I think as far as having to explore a character who has lived in the ’60s, I think I know more about that time than someone who has read a bunch of books.

YEA WHAT KIND OF A LOSER READS BOOKS!

Elisabeth Moss, I used to think highly of you. You were in the highly cerebral “The West Wing,” but its clear all you probably know about politics is how Chelsea Clinton feels. Do you really think you know more about the 60s than someone who’s read lots of books? Say…a college professor or a graduate student? And how many books exactly IS a “bunch of books?” 5? 20?  Also, why haven’t you learned anything about the 60s, at least inadvertently? Or how could you possibly not want to learn anything? You spend four years of your life immersed in this world and yet you don’t feel the need to even watch a documentary on the Beatles? To read a bit about John F. Kennedy or Martin Luther King? Or are you as ignorant in real life as your alter ego Peggy appeared to be last week? Don’t you think it could help you and your performance to at least be familiar with the time period in which your character lives? I’m not saying you have to live in a deserted Texas oilfield like Daniel Day-Lewis did when they shot “There Will Be Blood,” but C’MON! To quote Step Brothers. Elisabeth–you’re coming off as stupid.

Quick Hits:

  • Lindsay Lohan….give it a rest.
  • Christopher Guest announced that his next mockumentary satirizes “collectors,” ie. people who collect old comic books, toys, vintage magazine ads etc. Color me excited!
  • The League is pretty funny. I’d watch it.
  • Boardwalk Empire had an unexpected title sequence.
  • I don’t think Chris Brown is gonna make it again.
  • Apparently a “Big Momma’s House 3” is in the works. Criminals–if you have some type of scheme you’re working on, and right in the middle of it you meet a big fat black lady who looks like Martin Lawrence, just put the scheme on hiatus. Do it another time. Criminals should know by now that this particular FBI agent only really has one disguise.
  • How come Jason Derulo and other rappers get to say their name in the beginning of a song? Can white singer/songwriters pull that off?

“Uh. Yea. Its the Mellencamp ya’ll. Uh. Yea. Its the Mellencamp.”

Or how about…

“Jack Johnson…bringing it Johnson style!”

Or what about

“Hey-La. Heeeeeey-La. Lead singer of Train….Hey Laaaaaa!”

  • When you’re reading something, and you come across a word that seems way too long, or looks strange, do you ever skip it, or just make up what you think that word is? Example–Whenever I think of Chazz Palmenteri, in my head I think “Chazz Palm….whatever.” Or “Chazz Palmmimerriti.” Whenever he comes up in conversation I always just say, “With Chazz Palmen-” and hope someone finishes my sentence or goes, “Yea, him.” This phenomena also happened I’m ashamed to admit when I first began reading the Harry Potter books. I had no idea how to pronounce “Hermione,” so in my head it was always–“Her-moine.” That is, until a few days ago.
  • I don’t know if anyone’s made this connection–and maybe I’m an idiot, but don’t Johnny Drama and Ethan Hawke look alike?

Until Tomorrow—

Day 54-If Philosopher Martin Buber’s daughter married Justin Bieber and wanted to keep her name, her name would be Eva Buber-Bieber

9

Hello again. I was just reading that Willow Smith, Will and Jada Smith’s 9 year old daughter just signed a record deal with Jay-Z (or Uncle Shawn as she probably calls him). This lead me to think of a hypothetical DINNER AT THE SMITH HOUSE:

Will: Ha-HA! Yo Jaden! Willow! Dinner’s ready!

Jaden: Comin pops!

Willow: One sec!

Jada: Honey! You’ve whipped your hair back and forth enough times. Come down to dinner!

Willow: (pause) Yes mom.

(Willow and Jaden join their parents at a huge table with lots of delicious food on it)

Will: Oh! It’s 6! (Turns on the TV)

(TV: Well this is a story all about how, my life got flipped turned upside down…)

Jaden: Dad, we’ve already seen this one!

Willow: Yea Dad we’ve seen all of them!

Jada: The kids are right Will. Maybe just turn it down.

Will: Alright….wait hold on! This part is HILARIOUS!

(TV: Uncle Phil: Geoffrey, bring me my tools.

Geoffrey: Do you mean your knife and fork, sir? Canned laughter)

Will: HAHAHAHA! Oh man! G is hilarious!

Jada: Will!

Will: Alright! Alright! I’ll turn it down.

Jada: And Will?

Will: What NOW?

Jada: Take off the sunglasses.

Will: But I make this look good!

Jada: We’re having a family dinner!

Will: (resignedly takes them off) Ok.

Jada: Alright kids first thing’s first. Jaden, your box-office numbers came in today.

(Jaden trembles)

Jada: $55 million! On opening weekend! Honey! Your father and I are so proud of you!

Jaden: Thanks mom!

Will: And son, that was a great movie! When Jackie Chan came in with you know, with the karate, and then, you know with the flashy thing…I was like OH HELL NO!

Jada: We really would have been fine with $20 million, but since you performed so well in the red states, your marketability hit 3 out of the 4 quadrants, and your audience Cinemascore rating was a 8.7—YOU get to eat first.

Jaden: YES!

(Jaden begins devouring his meal)

Jada: And YOU, young lady. Did you post your new song, “Whip My Hair,” on Youtube?

Willow: Yes mom. This morning.

Jada: And how many hits has it gotten since?

Willow: 100,000 mom.

Jada: A hundred thou- (pause) A hundred thou! Will what you think of this?

Will: Hey Jada, you know my attitude is don’t START nothing, won’t BE nothing.

Jada: Your father’s right. It’s a start. You can have your dinner.

(Willow voraciously begins eating)

Jada: And Willow–I have a surprise for you.

Will: (Looking at himself on TV) Hey, yo Jada! Check out that hat I’m wearing! I’ve GOT to get me one of these!

Jada: (rolls her eyes) Willow! I just spoke with Uncle Shawn, and he told me he was going to sign you to a record contract! 3 albums! Concert tours! You’re gonna be on the radio! MTV! Just like your father was.

Willow: (still eating)

Jada: I said…Isn’t that great!

Willow: Yes mom!

Jada: Damn right yes mom. We’re the Smiths dammit. (Looking over at Willow eating) Will–why don’t Willow seem excited! (Nudges Will to say something)

Will: (Looks at Jada. She’s serious. Will turns into “Dad mode.”) Willow….honey. (Willow looks over) Willow you got a dream… You gotta protect it. If you want somethin’, go get it. Period.

Willow: (smiles) Ok Dad!

Jada: There you go baby! Now enjoy your food.

(Jada looks at her wine glass. It’s empty)

Jada: Will you LOOK at that. Empty again. AL!

(Alfonso Riberio (Carlton) dressed in a tux hurries into the dining room)

Alfonso: Yes ma’am.

Jada: Does my glass look empty to you?

Alfonso: Yes ma’am it does.

Jada: Can you do something to FIX. IT.

Alfonso: Of course ma’am!

(Rushes back into the kitchen, comes back out with a bottle of wine. Refills Jada’s glass)

Jada: That’s better. Thank you Carlton.

Alfonso: (pause. He clearly hates when she calls him that). Yes ma’am. Anything else I can get for you?

Jaden: Do the Carlton!

Willow: Yea! DO IT!

Alfonso: Actually I tweaked my back recently…

Jaden: Mom! Make Al do the Carlton!

Jada: Al….My baby wants to see you do the Carlton.

Alfonso: (pause) Yes ma’am.

(Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual” plays on the speakers as Alfonso Ribeiro dances “The Carlton.” The kids laugh and cheer. Jada is smiling.)

Will: This part of my life. This part right here. This is called happyness.

AND SCENE.

ONE LAST FUNNY STORY: A couple weeks ago my dad and I were watching Glee with my little sister. (Like how I did that–add my little sister in like its an excuse for us watching the show). The group was performing in sectionals (or was it regionals? Its too complicated) and the announcer in the concert hall says, “AND NOW…..NEW DIRECTIONS!” And my dad goes “WHAT!” I said, “What’s wrong?” and my dad says, “Did they just say what I think they said?” and I said, “What did you think they said?” And he whispers to me–“Did they just say Nude Erections?” Then I started laughing very hard. Because that’s what it sounds like!

I hope you think of this every single time you watch Glee in the future.

Until Tomorrow—

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