Today I’m reviewing a few new Hollywood movies based on their trailers.

Let’s start with: Battleship:

First words: The Ocean. Ok, I’m hooked.

Next: Vast, Unexplored, The Perfect Place to Hide—Have you seen Blue Planet? It’s pretty explored. But ok, I see your point.

NOW GIANT THING COMES OUT OF THE WATER! We have no idea what this is except that it is giant and metallic and makes the exact same Transformers sound effect. Is this a new Transformers movie?

No. But it’s from Hasbro, the company that BROUGHT US Transformers. Also the company who brought us My Little Pony, Play-Doh, and Lincoln Logs. But more importantly, TRANSFORMERS!

Speaking of Transformers, this looks like it was shot with the exact same lens.  And cast.

Model-turned actor? Brooklyn Decker. Check.

Just one respected actor? Liam Neeson. Check.

Handsome TV actor playing military leader? Taylor Kitsch. Check.

Rihanna? Ok, maybe not exact same cast. But she does scream so loudly her voice cracks at one point, so she must have been, like, working really hard at like, acting.

Everything else is pretty much exactly Transformers. Michael Bay should sue.

Pentagon meeting, battle for Earth tagline, giant thing literally transforming. giant thing crashes into giant building in the daytime, giant robots, attack on an army base, more Transformers sounds. I know Michael Bay doesn’t hold a monopoly on explosions, but this is plagiarism. I just hope at some point someone says, “B3” and someone says “You sunk my Battleship.” And everyone dies.

The funny part is, this trailer tells us nothing about these alien attackers and I bet we don’t find out much more in the movie itself. Because it doesn’t matter. They just have to be big, metallic and fire lasers. Also—they hate humans. Lazy storytelling, but I guess it’s better than Transformers which has waaaay too much exposition and backstory. Whatever, this movie is going to gross $60 million opening weekend.

Trailer Grade: D.

The next trailer is: Think Like A Man. One of those self-help book-to-movie adaptations that tries to fit in as many actors as possible in disparate story lines that join together to form a mediocre mushpile. But this one has Turtle in it.

Starts out with Kevin Hart. Like him. Then soon to be former Lakers (if they pull the amnesty card), Metta World Peace and Shannon Brown join him along with Lisa Leslie. So far, I LOVE THIS MOVIE. Then Megan Good comes along. Now I really will see this movie until….oh shit. No, it can’t be. Not like this. No way. Not after… Sorry. Still hasn’t healed.

More cute stuff, then it veers into “all men are stupid and immature” territory. Fine. It’s just another, He’s Just Not That Into You.

But wait. Now they’re actually incorporating the source material into the movie. This is like some Adaptation shit. Or is this just a really expensive commercial for a Steve Harvey book? Looks like the latter with it’s “This book has all of our secrets!” lines.

I think I’ll just Romany Malco and Kevin Hart create comic gold, I’ll just watch this scene.

Trailer Grade: C

Wait a second! We have another movie based on a best-selling help book filled with celebrities interacting in disparate story lines, only this one is a little less, shall we say, urban. I present: What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

“A Brutally Honest Look at Pregnancy,” this trailer promises. Followed by the lovely Elizabeth Banks saying, “It sucks!” Looks like this is as deep as it’s gonna get, people.

More Brooklyn Decker. Wow, that Gif from Just Go With It must have really gone over well with casting directors.

(Read like Stephon): This movie has everything: wrinkly Dennis Quaid holding a giant yellow ball, Chace Crawford talking about how good looking he is, Cameron Diaz speaking with an undetermined accent, salsa dancing Matthew Morrison, Jennifer Lopez getting sappy over black babies and a culturally diverse group of men carrying babies in Baby-Bjorn pouches walking slow motion to Notorious BIG. And also the guy from True Blood pops up without his shirt because he’s in a park surrounded by guys so why wouldn’t he have his shirt off.

And is that Chris Rock? Oh, it has to be because he’s given a classic Chris Rock sounding line: “When your wife says you’re looking at houses….you’re buying a house.”

If they had used the song “Raise Your Glass” to play over the credits I would given this trailer a D, but because it didn’t and because I like Rob Huebel and Thomas Lennon, I’ll give it a B-.

Addendum: Did Lea Michele and Matthew Morrison flip a coin to see who was going to star in their respective celeb-fest films? Or do they just have the same manager who said, “Look, we want to transition you both into movies, but you don’t have the star power to star in one on your own, so we’ll get you into these ensemble movies so you’ll be sharing the spotlight with other stars (thereby raising your own star power) and if the movies bomb, no one can blame it on you.” Good thinking manager.